To beer or not to beer?

     Beer... Yay or nay? Back in the day it was a nay. I never really liked the taste of beer. I was more of a wine cooler or Zima kinda girl. (hangs head in shame) That was until I met my fiance and he introduced me to wheat beers. Now beer is a YAY! I really like golden ales, summer blends, and beer with hints of oranges or lemons. This last winter I've developed a passionate love of Blue Moon  ♥  It's crisp, refreshing, and so very delicious. You get the picture, if not here is a picture. Looks good right?
   
It's just so unfortunate that I developed a love for this beer while fighting a weight loss battle. It seems I have a terrible weakness for it. It doesn't have to be special occasion, it doesn't even have to be a weekend. Sunshine, a good mood, or even a hard days work will have me giving up on all of my goals. At 164 calories a beer and an average consumption of 4 to 5 maybe even 6 (don't judge me) that is a whopping 984 or so calories. Holy shit right? I know, and it all goes straight to my gut and butt. This beer calorie madness to stop. So some of my new goals this spring will be, to not give in to my beer temptations. To resist the urge to back deck lounge with a nice cold brew. To not sweet talk the hub into caving in with me. To make it a reward and not a hobby. ;) It will be harder come summer, but I am strong. Beerless and fearless will be the name of the game. Then maybe "once in a blue moon" I will earn myself a few beers. Guilt free and all the healthier for it. They say you are not suppose to reward yourself with things, but screw them. I will workout for beer!

I used to run...

    Two years ago I was an anti runner. Mostly due to the trendiness of the sport around here. Everyone I knew was bit by the running bug and it was the talk of the town. I didn't really like to run or didn't really try, so I would talk a little shit and play off my hidden jealousy. I wanted to be part of the club. Finally my best friend talked me into walk\jogging with her and I finally began to understand the appeal of running. My hub loved to run, along with his dad so they signed me up for my first half marathon to motivate me. My best friend signed up too and we started training. I was able to run farther and farther with each run. It was great, it cleared my head better than any other workout ever had. We had went from non runners to finishing 13.1 miles in less than a year. It was awesome and I was very proud. Not only for finishing the race but for the weight I had lost while doing it. So we took a little time off to recoup and then signed up for another 13.1 the following year. We didn't train as hard for this one but had been doing cardio training at the gym. I was able to run way further than I ever had before and shaved 10 minutes off my first years time. This one was rainy and hard and I got a little emotional at the finish, but again I did it, and that's the point. I planned on taking a few weeks off again to recover, but life sometimes gets in the way and a few weeks turned into 8 months.
   That leaves me here, a non runner again, feeling a little jealous and no longer part of the club. I want to be, but I feel like i'm just full of "i used to" and "when i ran" stories. I think it might be one of the most difficult things I have let myself do, relapsing on laziness. All that progress I had made and then I just let it slip away. It's so much harder now to get myself out there. I want to start running with a group of women from my gym but I guess i'm a little intimidated. I did a few 2 milers alone last week and they went okay, slow but okay. I'm back to a beginners pace. Run a minute, walk a minute, cramp a little,  pant a little. I know I can get back to where I was before. It's just going to be some serious hard work, and maybe even a little courage.

Those days. NSM (Not safe for men)

    As a woman we all have those days. Today I missed my workout for that reason. Those days that no matter what you had planned your body decides to throw your emotions, energy, and comfort into a tailspin. I'll just say it. Your cycle. The unmentionable. Yet whenever group of women are together it's always mentioned. It varies for most women, some handle it's coming and goings with ease. Some hunker down cloaked in a pain that cannot be described in words. It's every little girls fear and anxiety to receive this gift of womanhood. You wait for it, almost excited for it to invite you into the club. Yet once received it becomes every woman's curse until menopause.  I cannot count the amount of plans that have been ruined. Camping trips, concerts, even both half marathons. I have spent years ignoring it's existence then letting it surprize me. Now at 33 I've finally smartened up. last year I downloaded and app for my Iphone called Period Tracker and It has made my life so much easier. With just a touch of the finger it makes planning trips, dates, and workout so much easier.


 I'm sure that a lot of women actually listened in 5th grade, when we were taught to keep our little calenders up to date and count out our 23 to 26 days to calculate. But being the natural born rebel that I was, I thought I was above it all. Not anymore. Thanks to technology not only can I play angry birds while I am crumpled over with cramps, and can input my monthly data and my phone will learn my cycles. It's awesome.

 For those of you that are still living in the 1800s my apologies for this post.  In my home it's not a secret. My boys know when I'm in pain and I don't lie to them. I explained it to them both years ago, and they are not disgusted, they know it's where life comes from. They are going to be great husbands with nothing but sweet sympathy for their wives someday. Just like my hub is for me. There is no shame ladies, we are baby making miracles and reminded of it monthly  Don't judge me for my honesty. I could have used detailed pictures you know. ;)

Oodles of noodles (Squashed)

   Last night for dinner I thought I'd try my hand at my first comfort food alternative. I'm part of a large family and grew up eating spaghetti once a week for years. It's cheep and and easy and can feed an army. I make it a lot. It was one of the first thing's I learned to cook, and like I said "cheep and easy". My youngest is 11 and would it eat every night if he could. So to take it away from the boys just seems cruel, they are not the chubby ones, and as long as they are not devouring an entire pot it's okay.

            The spaghetti alternative (Solo mission)

(source)

   I found about a thousand recipes for spaghetti squash on pinterest and decided I'd just wing it. I chose the directions for cooking the squash here How to make a spaghetti squash and baked that puppy up. I was nervous. The guts looked and smelled just like pumpkin, and I hate pumpkin. But after it was baked It really didn't smell like anything. I shredded up the noodles per say, and covered it in marinara with a few crumbles of goat cheese. It really wasn't bad. The shreds were a little tuffer than al dente noodles ( probably from my lack of cooking skills),  but I ended up eating most of it. I'm not going to lie and say it was the best thing ever, but I will say it was very filling. I think I'll make it again sometime maybe adding meatballs and basil. I'm just glad that it turned out edible on my first try.

The Plan... Man

I know it is uncomfortable to have someone tell you their weight. What do you say to that? "that's not that bad." or "I'm sorry" or "Holy shit". Don't feel bad it's harder to say it than it is to hear it. But sometime you just have to get it out there. It loses it's intimidation and gives you a good starting point. I'll be doing this from time to time just as a log.

Today
Weight 211lbs              Size 18                Mood cranky

The goal: 150lbs
That's 63 pounds to lose. Sounds scary right? I'm terrified.

The schedule:
Body pump... Mon, Wed, Fri
3 times a week every single week! Downfall? It's at 5:45am Ouch!!
Running-Jogging...Tues, Thurs Downfall? going alone. Boring!

The Diet:
Drink water. Like all the time. Like a bathtub full everyday.
Eat breakfast. Something I rarely do but it starts now.
Small meals through the day to keep metabolism going.
Healthy portions for dinner.
Small healthy snack before 9pm.

Foods to be cut:
Most breads. Tortillas stay, occasional whole wheat sandwiches.
Sugars.
Dairy. Coffee creamer stays, and possibly a little yogurt.

Foods i'm going to go insane missing:
Pizza!!!!!! I'll allow it every few weeks maybe. Just a slice not half a pie.
Espresso. I like it sweet, really sweet, like a days worth of calories sweet.
Nachos. My go to food. I pray to cheesus I'll be able to resist.

Here I am... Fat, and ready to talk about it.

   This is my first post in my journey to be honest with myself and the world. I got fat! Yeah I said it. I am ready to admit it and I am ready to change it. I thought it might be interesting and perhaps even a little amusing, so I am going to share it. I wasn't ashamed when I was thin so I'm not going to be now. I'm still me, just a lot more of me. So here goes...
    
   A little background: It seems like just yesterday I was 17 and in the best shape of my life. I was the thin one. I know it sounds big headed, but being young and the only women in my house that didn't struggle with weight will make you a little cocky. I wasn't even skinny, 115lbs or so but muscular and fit. My mother was not heavy but she was not skinny either. She never was and always told me she never would be. My Memere' (grandma) was extremely heavy (300+) and suffered from diabetes and high blood pressure. I grew up hearing my father talk about her like a cautionary tale. So to be honest gaining weight was terrifying to me. So I tried to stay active and was lucky to maintain a decent weight for a few years.

   Kids and relationships, both beginnings and an ends: After the birth of my first son by cesarean, dropping the weight wasn't that difficult. I nursed and was still pretty active so I didn't have to try to hard. Then I went through some emotional changes and made a few big life choices. Broke up with my "baby daddy" and made some new friends. One of those friends turned into a husband. He and I began our journey with some not so healthy food choices. We developed a deep love for "jack & the box" and so we ate it often, very often. Six months after our wedding he began losing weight rapidly while I was steadily packing it on. After many a doctor visits we were told that he had a large tumor in his abdomen. It was cancer. Three days after his diagnosis we got more big news, I was pregnant. So emotions were high to say the least, and life was giving us the best and worst it had to give. This pregnancy and this cancer also gave me an excuse, an excuse to shove everything under the sun into my mouth. I ate my fear, my anxiety, my sadness. I ate till I was sick, till I was bigger than I had ever been. 210lbs was very heavy on my 5'3" pregnant frame. It made my pregnancy very hard. So after the birth of my second son the weight remained, regardless of nursing. Now having 2 cesareans under my belt per say. I had a pouch on my belly that I could have held my purse in. But I didn't care. My husband was losing his battle with cancer, he was dying. Between hospital vending machines and fast food everyday, I was numbing myself sufficiently. Depression had swallowed me whole, and in return I swallowed everything. He passed away the following spring, just a few months after his boys 1st birthday. His death shook me to my core. It changed me as a person, it made me want to change more. To be better. As if my mind had simply had enough and I began to bring myself back to life. I began reading a ridiculous amount of self help books. I was going to fix me. I began a walking regiment and cut fast food and soda out of my life. I dropped 25 pounds and was feeling optimistic about life again. I fell back in love with my first "baby daddy" and moved to a new town. We were happy and healthy together, the kids were happy, and we had an active family. I was happy. It's been almost ten years now and we are still happy and engaged.

   Present day, old habits: My life is good. I have two growing boys, both at very healthy weights. My fiance is healthier than I am but not at his goal weight either. I don't worry about him though. He has the willpower of a saint and drops weight just by thinking about it. Not me though, I tend to be a trigger prone person and I still struggle with depression (mostly seasonal). This last winter my best friend moved across the state. Trigger pulled! She was my workout buddy. We ran not one, but two half marathons together, and we went to workout classes 3 mornings a week. So when she told me of the move I jumped off the healthy train with reckless abandon. I ate my feelings once more. I stuffed myself with christmas chocolate and drank delicious beer for 4 months straight. Packing on 30 or so pounds and grew out of all my clothes. In the light of March I opened my eyes to a surprised, miserable, fat girl. I'm 211 pounds now, and on a direct path to diabetes and high blood pressure. I have to change it, I am GOING to change it!

I took my "before" picture yesterday. I'm not ready to share it yet, but I'll get there. I have a plan and I'll share more soon. I'm hoping for support and motivation on my journey. I've never been one to share my weight and this took all of my courage. Thank you for reading. Much love. ♥ Lisa